New year's resolutions

Unlike some I don't care about making my appearance better, such as saying my new year resolution is about growing my hair out, lose weight, buy this or that. No, I am not one of those. I've been thinking long and hard about what I should work on not only to improve myself but my life and my family's life. There has been a lot of bad things happening this year, and I don't mean world events, although there are so many terrible things that have happened. I really want to push myself, to learn more and improve my skills.

So I thought...

"What is most important?"

So my 2013 resolution is....

To focus harder on writing.

• To improve my skills
• Finish The Invisible Prince
• Learn new writing techniques
• Write a synopsis and query letter
• Get published? (That'd be my dream but not everything happens right away.)

(OH MY GOSH! It's SNOWING!)

I do have some smaller resolutions such as

• Eat healthier 
• Help more around the house
• Get a nonseasonal job (With good management) 
• Get married (Only will happen if I archive the one above)
• Move out
• Learn how to use a sewing machine 

So what are some of yours? Are they wishes? Dreams? Or maybe something just to better yourself. Whatever it may be I hope you find a way next year to finish your goals. It's important to never give up even if things get bad. 

Now I'm going to go watch the snow since it rarely snows where I'm at and I rather enjoy watching my animals reactions to it. Ta-ta for now.

Happy new years!!!!!

Its one of THOSE days

I feel like crawling back into bed and staying there until tomorrow comes. I just feel run down, mentally and physically. Its hard to even sit down and focus solely on writing, even writing this is hard. I already feel like closing out of it and popping Guild Wars up just to get my mind off of everything. I don't want to get into details but I'm having a really hard time right now because of work. There is stuff happening, I'm being screwed majorly and the worst part of it all is the fact I really came to love doing that job. Helping people, answering questions, showing them where things where, cleaning up misplaced items and putting them away. I really liked it. Heck I could have done that for a long time. Many people are telling me what I should be doing. And although I know they are trying to help it just makes me uneasy and pissed that when I need help those people aren't willing to help.

I hate being so down in the dumps on here. I don't want this blog to be about my rants and crud but I just needed to vent. I really don't have any one else besides my fiance to talk to anymore. He's working and I can't bother him with this melodrama every five minutes. So I'm using this blog in place of a friend. It's properly a better listener anyway.

There is so much I want to do with my life but because of all this crap happening it seems it's been frozen. I can't get married if I don't get hours to work, I can't get published or even finish my novel until all this stress goes away so my damn mind can think straight.

Anyway....I think I'm done venting. I really am unsure what else to say. I'm just going to go play Guild Wars and ignore the world.

Inspired and ready

I was scanning the web last night before I went to bed, looking for news on Holly Black's new novels. I clicked onto her JOURNAL posts and saw how well she kept track of her novel writing process. I read she writes about 1000 per day. She's my favorite author and this made me realize just how human she is. Just how busy life can get and how we can easily push our novels aside for a day. So it really made me inspired to do my best.

Luckily today we're going to the BIGGEST BOOK STORE IN OREGON! So I'm going to pick up a few books to help me push  myself farther along towards my goal. I'm really excited to get The Invisible Prince done so I can work on Crisis Mode Major, which I have decided will be my fourth novel to finish. It will be a lot more serious than my normal novels and will go over some serious issues that teens deal with a lot these days.

I may end up working on it on the weekends, maybe only an hour a day. I have a great vibe for CMM but I don't want to rush it or wind up falling out of love with TIP. So I'm going to take things slow. Although I wont lie I've been thinking about having CMM becoming a online novel. But maybe I wont do that after all....

Being broke

The best thing about being broke is that you learn that gifts aren't everything during the holidays. That family, their stories and hearing their laughs is all that matters. You really learn how to enjoy the small things that normally we take for granted, such as a warm meal, small talk and just sitting around a fire. I'm enjoying this. We may go through hard times but I'm hearing a lot of funny stories and really bonding with my parents and I wouldn't change a thing. Being broke, living off of the bare minimum is hard and isn't fun but it's really brought my family closer. Maybe it will even bring me and brother closer. I'd really like that. This year (I celebrate Yule by the way) I'm focus solely on my family. Ignoring the drama, shredding off the worries is just what I needed.

But the holidays also always remind me of those who should be with us, like my grandpa and sister. I wish they could be there, just for one night. I know in spirit they are always around but its time like these that I can't help but to wonder what it would be like. I suppose I'll always be like that. I had to grow up fairly quickly as a child and but I never felt like an adult until now.


So may your holidays (whichever you celebrate!) be good and fulfilling. I hope you and your loved ones are healthy and well and that you and their new years will be full of good blessings and good luck. May you enjoy them to the fullest. I hope you have a good holiday season and a new year. Many good blessing and kind thoughts.

Happy holidays from me!

-Jessica

Not going to back down

When things become tough for me, my first thought is normally "Why me?" Or "Why is this happening right when things are going so well?" Yes, things are tough right now but I know that there are people in this world who are going through much tougher situations. Inside I want to scream and bitch, but I'm not going to. I've been through way worse and in the end as long as I have my loving, trustworthy fiance and my family and beloved pets I'm pretty sure everything will be okay. It hurts me a lot right now about whats going on. I don't want to complain or be negative that's not who I am anymore. Instead I'm going to look on the bright side. Things happen for a reason and maybe this wasn't the job for me. I have learned a lot from it. I can use what I've learned and find a better job. Hopefully that will be before April so we can still get married.


When I become distraught like this its hard to focus. It doesn't help nothing is going to plan. I can't surprise my parents with holiday gifts, nor my fiance. I may not be happy and I might become down in the dumps but at least I know better to put myself down like I used to. I've grown this last few years. Learning, asking questions, becoming braver, I have to push forward not backwards.


Bad moods always make me rethink my writing projects. I look back at other ones I've half written and think "This one was the one..." But I don't want to stop half way again. So I'm going to push with all my might to get this novel down. Plus, writing can be a great distraction, you know? It's calming to get lost in your own words as paragraph by paragraph become a story, as you put yourself in your character's shoes, see life through another set of eyes. It's enjoyable.

I don't think I'll write tonight though. Instead I think I'll do some research, maybe find something to inspire me. Oh! In fact my fiance bought a awesome video game for me. It's called Guide Wars 2, have any of you played it? It's so amazing. Everything from the creatures from the scenery, I can't get enough of it. It's great at taking away my worries too.


For now I am going to try harder. To push myself to my limit. Learn all I can and never give up. And you should do the same. Why not start the new year with a fresh start? This will be my promise to myself. I will finish this novel. I will find a good firm job. I will get married. And if all fails. At least I've learned some very important life choices.

Inspiration, a new project idea.

I get inspired from my hobbies, nature, fairytales, folklore and many other things. I told my fiance the other day I want to try something new once I'm done with the novel I'm working on now. I want to make it full of emotion and passion. A driving force and inspiration for teens who are going through hard times. Like me, many teens are bullied and some face the cold hard fact they want to fade away, get rid of the pain. I don't want to write just any old teen drama.

Reading a mangwa (Korean manga) I was inspired by the two characters. I'll post the link below for you to check out even if you don't like manga, its really good. The plot and characters all have a meaning. It's very emotional and powerful. I believe now what I want to write about and maybe I'll start it once I'm done with The Invisible Prince. I've been through a lot in my life but this mangwa reminds me that there are others who have suffered by far worse. I really want to play with the characters, push them to their limits.


Although I will not give too much away right now, for my projects are always better kept secret until I'm writing them, so I don't wind up getting bored with the novel I'm working on now, I'll only tell you, my dear readers this.

There are two main characters. One comes from a happy home, but wants to die. The other isn't so lucky and is from a broken home and wants to live.

Maybe I may not ever even bother getting this novel published, maybe I'll be brave enough to try. But I do know I'm going to dig into my past a lot, because those raw emotions will really bring together the idea I have. It's only in the first phase of planning right now, like a little seed about to be planted. There is a lot more to do with the idea. It'll be serious, unlike my fantasy/supernatural novels I normally am fond of writing.


Anyway....Sorry for the ramble of random thoughts. The idea hit me so quickly I became excited over it.

So Ta-Ta for now.

http://www.mangaupdates.com/series.html?id=80970

Overwhelmed

It's been a weird day. I woke up and realized my hammie, Kuma had been strangely quiet even though I left her water bottle in her cage (She has a habit of climbing it at night.) I opened her cage and found her curled up. She almost seemed as if she were asleep maybe in hibernation, it had been cold in my room but when I touched her side I realized she was gone. I'm a animal lover. The type of person who grieves no matter how big the animal is. It was a bit of a shock. I didn't have her very long. After thinking it over later on int he day I remember the other pet I had gotten from this pet store chain. That it too had issues. So I'm never buying from them again. They must sell sick or old animals. Because when I bought my two gerbils from Petsmart they lived a long time, way longer than normal gerbils live. So if you are looking for a small pet, please buy from them. They make sure their pets are healthy. I'll never be buying from the other pet store again. But at least the little girl went peacefully. She must have fallen asleep and died dreaming. That's the best way to go. I loved her little self.

I'm overwhelmed. With having a full work week and now this, I just feel so overwhelmed. I feel like I have no time to write, no time to be with my fiance. It's very stressful getting used to working. Everything that is bothering me just sort of bubbled up and I lost control and broke down. I'll be fine. Time will heal everything. It's very hard but I've gone through worse. It helps I have something to keep my mind off of everything although I do wish my work hours would be three days and not a full time work week of five days. I suppose this will only push me more to get my novel done so I can (hopefully) get published so I can stop working a part time job and focus solely on what I love most.

For now I am going to go rest, get my mind off of everything and focus on sewing or writing. It's been a long day and I wish it could have gone differently but nature is uncontrollable. Death is natural no matter how bad it hurts. This just hasn't been a good year. But maybe that means next year will be a good one! I can hope...

Today was good.

In my last post I mentioned how nervous I was about the lack of training. Today was different. I was trained by a very nice guy who explained a lot and showed me the ropes. I did something today I never pictured myself doing....

WORKING THE CASH REGISTER!

I have some issues with math and numbers so counting change is really hard for me, especially on the spot. But the lady training me was kind and helped me every time I had issues. When I was done with the check out they all cheered me on, telling me how well I did and that once I get the hang of it I'll do good. It was so heart warming. All the coworkers I've met have been wonderful. Especially today. Every time I've needed help they've jumped on the spot and helped. It really made me feel at home and less nervous. It was only my second day but I felt really comfortable and learned a lot. That's the best part of this job, learning. I enjoy meeting new people too but I'm really enjoying learning new things from this job. I'm very happy with it now.

Although writing and getting published is still my main focus I'm really happy I was given this job. I'm sure with a little more training I'll be able to do everything on my own with confidence. Hopefully tomorrow goes just as well. It's my last day working this week. I can't wait to learn more!

What a day

So tired. Working was interesting. Boy was it busy! I guess coupons really do bring in a big crowd. It was interesting seeing how the store works from behind the scenes. I think once I'm fully trained and have all my stuff ready I'll feel very comfortable doing my job. I think I really like the recovery, which is collecting items that have been misplaced or have fallen/broken. It has a lot to do with being organized which I'm fond of. I like putting things away, making things neat. Everyone was very nice. But working 1-6 I could see other people who have worked the same time getting tired too. I don't blame them I was ready to go home by 5:30. Tomorrow will be much better since I don't have work until six. Hopefully everything is squared away tomorrow so I can be ready to be trained.

All of this really makes me want to work hard on my novel and getting it published so I can be a stay at home wife. I don't think working retail for the long run will work with all my anxiety issues. But I am enjoying the experience because I am learning new things and it gets me out of the house. It has made me realize I really do want to become a published writer now. That is my true goal in life and now more than ever I must work hard to archive my goal. 

First day of work

I'm jittery, thank you anxiety. I don't have a lot of info of where to go or who is training me really and all those unanswered questions makes me on edge. I'm sure it'll be fine. I've been in the store hundreds of times. It's like the first day of school all over again. I'm sitting at my computer, trying to eat although now I'm not really hungry. I'm a bit calmer but still worrying. Thinking things over, trying to stay calm is tough but I wanted to write this blog to share my feelings and worries so I can later laugh at how scared I was to work at one of my favorite stores.

I don't leave until 12:00 p.m so I can arrive a bit early to ask my questions and get set up. I work a long shift today from 1-6 p.m. That makes me really nervous but I think it's because I'm going to be training this week. Tomorrow's shift I like 10-3.30. That'll be a lot easier for me to deal with. The next day and my last day of work this week will be a tough one too, 1-6.30 p.m. But I can handle it. Its like high school, I stayed long hours and over time got used to it. The days would just speed by. I know it'll get easier as time goes by but right now I'm allowing myself to release some of the worry so I can be calm when I walk into the store and ask the cashier where I am supposed to go.

Sure, I would stay home. Stay home and write all day, play Harvest Moon or sit and stare and my computer all day because that's what I've been doing for the last three years. I'm a person of habit. But that has to change. I'm lucky to have this job. I've been searching for such a long time and it was amazing I got such a special job at one of my favorite stores. The positives are much higher than the negatives. Because of this job I can get married, get my driver's licences, move out, become an adult. It's nerve racking really but over time as I get used to this change I think I'll wind up loving the time out of my house and at work.

But right now I'm going to go get ready, do my make-up, fix up my hair a bit, relax and spend time with my pets before I go. If you are like me and are getting ready for work and are nervous as hell, just take a deep breath and keep in mind all the things that are good and will happen because of your new job. These days we are lucky if we get a job at all. So honor the one you have and breathe. Calm down and breathe. It's the best way to focus on what is ahead of you. Like my dad said, it's an adventure.   

Fanfiction Fever

I always talk about redoing or creating a new fanfiction. Well......I finally got an idea. It's off one of the same plots that I've written before. But this time I'm going to mix all my old ideas in with the new. I'm testing the waters right now, writing what scenes come to mind. I'm not rushing a thing. My novel still comes first. Some readers didn't really understand just how busy I was back when I was writing my old stories. So let me remind you I'm a person who is...

Starting a new job soon. Is making two cosplays by hand. Is planning a wedding. Who has a bad cold. Who writes novels. Who is being silly writing in third person.

I hope my new readers respect that. I lost a lot of my loyal readers a while ago, luckily I do have one or two left so I'll be hoping that they enjoy this fanfiction just as much as the old ones. This one will be a slight mix of some of my old ideas. I'm only going to upload one chapter per month. Some chapters may be split into two parts. I have this issues with writing long pieces that seem to have no end. So to make sure you don't wind up with a half a novel to read, I'll try to keep them within a word count or they'll be cut into two parts. Both parts may come out within one month. I don't know yet.


In other news my novel is coming along very slowly. Thanks to a cold. It's hard to sit down and focus when I have to stop and cough every few seconds. My mind is all over the place but I do have a set idea. I just need to figure out how to start. I can easily get over this bump though.

Research notes-Useful links

Hey guys. This post is mainly going to be a bunch of random links I find interesting or helpful in my research about royal women in Victorian era/Edwardian era. Feel free to use the links, but please give credit to the sites they come from and who has written them. Be respectful. I'll make a few notes in which you are also welcomed to use but please give me credit for writing the notes. This will be updated as time goes on.



http://www.erasofelegance.com

Short but detailed paragraphs on different topics


http://crayzray.tripod.com/clpage/writtings/other/victorian_women.htm

Good expatiation about classes


Justice

Cool insight about crime and punishment


http://www.angelpig.net/victorian/mourning.html

All about mourning (Victorian's were obsessed with death.)

A change in plans, new project.

So after thinking things though I have decided not to finish the novel I'm working on (UnNatural) and quit NaNoWriMo. Why? It's becoming a chore. I've been pretty sickly lately thanks to my migraines and a cold and writing is becoming a chore. I just can't get into the story anymore because of stress. It's just not a good year for doing something like NaNo, although the program is wonderful and can be a lot of fun. It's just not right for me at this time and place. I really didn't want to stop but sitting there and writing a story I no longer connected with felt like a waste of time when all I could think about was my new project.

Which leads me into my next subject...

Since I no longer writing the UN, I'm going to write the story that has been brewing in my mind for a while now, a fantasy/steampunk novel with all sorts of interesting plot twists. The main character I created a while back when I was pondering writing a red ridding hood story. She is a kick ass woman who's out for blood- the prince's blood that is. The plot is still being smoothed out but the main idea is my main character, who is from a "outersider" tribe of solely women, pretends to be a noble woman in order to marry the prince. But her plans aren't as simple as marrying the prince and becoming a queen, no, she wants to kill him.

But that's all I'm going to say about the plot for now. I want it hush-hush. I'm using my love for Victorian history and steampunk culture to create a world where steam VS nature/magic. I have a clear picture of how I want this story to go and I can't wait to start writing it.

Right now I'm gathering info, Victorian court rules,  Forced marriages in the 18-19th centuries, folklore (Not naming the creature/s), ect. I'm really into historical royal life so this will be right up my alley and it can go many different ways.


I'll be updating often as I start writing later this month. I'll also be posting some research posts (Which will range from topic to topic but most likely will be about Victorian court life.)


Thanks for reading my blog. The numbers sure have rose in the last month. Thank you so kindly for reading all my rambles, rants and novel nonsense.

My desision

My decision is simple. I'm not going to give up. I'm going to prove it to myself that I can finish this novel, that I can improve and that I can become published. Now that I am in the right state of mind and I'm ready to get going and not worry about getting published or would this sell, I'm going to go write.

Writer's block

As some of you know November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) and it's a month long writing experience where you aim to reach 50,000 words in 30 days. The last two times I had joined in on the fun I realized I find myself lost in a haze of....DUN DUN DUN.....writer's block. I get all excited about out-lining, plotting and smoothing out the fine details but when I start writing I get lost. The words are lacking and something isn't right. I suppose I could blame it on stress, which I am VERY stressed and worried over my job situation, which is a really weird on.

No doubt it would affect my writing but I'm starting to doubt the novel I'm writing. At first I thought, sure this could sell. It's one of a kind but bow I'm rethinking that. I do of course have another idea in mind but it's the tenth already. If I starting writing that I would have to skip out on the fun of NaNo. I'm just unsure of what to do. My feelings are a mess, tangled together like the medley of wires behind my computer. It's a bit nerve racking really. I don't want to miss out on the fun yet if I want to push towards getting published I need to hurry up and finish a novel. I haven't finished one since my novel PM. I wanted to prove to myself that I COULD finish one novel...just one but I'm now left wondering what to do.

Prove it to myself and finish the novel I'm working on?

Or....


Start on a fresh idea?


I think I'll go play my new 3ds!

Update

Hey guys. Sorry I hadn't updated about NaNoWriMo yet. I've been busy.....trying to add a new member to my family. You see a while ago my family's dog Tasha had to be put down and it was very hard but she had cancer and couldn't stand up on her own so it was time. Her bonded friend, Carmen( My mom's doggie) has been heart broken and depressed ever since. And by chance I found a dog that needs a forever home. Something about her has stolen my heart and I just can't thinking about her. I cried last night so heart broken that my brother (Who's been asking for a second dog for a while now) didn't want to help me have us rehome her. Instead he wants a puppy. Not a two year old, trained, fixed with updated shots, quiet dog, who has been passed around from shelter to shelter and then once she found a good home her owner's boyfriend kicked them out. I'm very upset over that because if he in fact got a puppy I'd be the one stuck raising, training, grooming and ect. I'm not up for raising a puppy right now, not when I'm about to start working soon. My dad has lots of medical issues and may be home all day but in no way can handle a hyper puppy alone. It just wouldn't work.


So I finally brought up the topic on her tonight and my dad seemed to think I was joking. I didn't feel he took me very seriously, even through I DO have a job and can pay for everything now. So I came up with a plan (I'm stubborn I get it from my dad) that is both logical and mature. I'm going to type up a cost plan, what it would cost me to own my own dog on my pay. A promissory note, saying that I will take full responsibly for the dog and the cost on my own and that I promise to pay a boarding fee (Which would help them if times get tough again) A pro and con sheet, saying what would be good about bringing another dog into our home and what might be bad about it. As well as the reason I feel I want this dog.

Luckily for me I'm getting married soon and plan to move out within five/six months or sooner, after there have been a few pay checks in the bank, so taking this dog wouldn't be long term for my parents. I'm not sure why my dad is so against having another dog, I think maybe it's because he believes that he'll end having to pay for her. And they are over-looking the fact I do have a job. So I hope this will help them take me seriously and really have them think about it. My mom has already said she doesn't care and that Carmen does need someone to play with since she's non-stop mopey lately.

It's taking a lot of my focus away but it's okay. Because I've still been able to get my word count done for each day so far (expect the second day of NaNoWriMo, because I had lot everything that I had written that day and got upset.) But I've been doing good and my novel is now at 11k. Not bad, but I should be a lot farther. But I'll keep trying, pushing myself to do better. Even if that means I only write a 100 extra words.

Day one of NaNoWriMo

Oh goodness. I'm so stressed out it isn't even funny. I'm still waiting to hear back from the hiring manager. I'm supposed to start Sunday but haven't been called yet and am really starting to freak out. Should I call, should I wait? My mind is playing games and ganging up on me. The only good thing that has come out of all this is the short synopsis I just finished writing. I put in my word count for the day, 8k although I'm still editing, adding, taking out pieces of my novel. I'm really panicky today and doubt I can settle down enough to really focus on writing. So I went ahead and posted what I have.

Up-coming event and out-lining

Oh my, last week was great. I had been called in for a interview and most likely got a job at one of my favorite art stores. I should be getting a call soon after the background check has finished, but in the mean while this week I am focusing solely on writing. Why?


National Novel Writing Month  http://www.nanowrimo.org/

This is an event dedicated for novel writing. The goal? 50,000 words in 30 days. Of course there isn't just one winner, everyone who finishes is deemed a winner. There are prizes of course and a chance to win a free novel cover. It's a great event and will be my third year doing this event. Not only is it helpful but its fun! Lots of kind, understanding people are willing to chat and help you. I've met some awesome people through it and hope to met more this year.

I'm a lot more organized this year though. I have a basic out-line (Which I'll talk about in a bit) and a firm plot with an ending all planned out. I originally did the same novel for last year but switched and rewrote my first novel instead. Now that I've fixed the glitches in the plot and redid the characters just a bit, I think I'm ready to get this bad boy going. I'm hoping for at least 70-80k. That's over the 50k. Even though I'll be working I still want to aim higher. I want to get this novel published to jump start my career. As well as start on my high fantasy/steampunk novel.

So that leads me into my next topic. Out-lining. I've mentioned out-lining before. It's important for me to stay organized while writing this novel. There are some pretty important twists that I need to remember in order to reveal them later on so I have to write them down. I normally use a simple out-line for writing out chapters. I've written this before but I'll write it again so no one has to dig through all my posts.

Chapter_____

Main Events

Notes

Word count

Page count

Pretty simple. Keeps me from ranting on and on and on.....oh you get the point. Anyway. I'll be posting another post when NANOWRIMO starts. Hope everyone is ready for it, it's going to be a blast.

Good things to come

Do you remember my last post? Talking about how I am going to try harder to find a job? I had my very first interview! I went out to see Silent Hill with my fiance, a movie I have been wanting to see for a while. When we got home my mom came rushing out screaming "The art store just called! She really wants to interview you. TONIGHT " I am so happy I had put in that app the other day. I called her back and she set up a interview with me that night. We drove over and it only took five minutes. It happened so quickly!She was so kind and eager learn about me. In the end it seems I'll be part time in sales. What is better than getting a part-time job at a art store! I feel so happy. My family is so happy even my brother who normally could care less about me. I just feel so over joyed. Finally things are turning around. I can start planning my life and learn new things, work hard and spoil my parents. 

They are doing the background check on me right now and after that I'll be called and we'll set up a time for me to start working. She said it'll be the Sunday after this Sunday. This is so wonderful I truly cannot wait. Once it is confirmed and I've been officially hired I can announce my wedding date! My fiance and I talked it over a bit in the car on the way there and we're pretty firm on it being on the date with first started going out (April 27th) it'll be our seventh year together. 

This way it'll give us time to save up for the wedding and save up for an apartment too. Although now I'm going to have wedding on the brain. I can't wait! So many things have been going wrong and now having all this wonderful news...it's like a dream. 

Hard times

Things are going to get hard for my family (not going to list the reason why.) instead of being a brat and being disappointed about not getting x-mas gifts or about the lack of heat or food, I'm going to use this to push me towards getting a job and working to get my novel finished. It's been a hard couple of weeks for me but I can't allow myself to stop and focus on what is going wrong. I've been down that road before and only heart heart came from it. Plus everyone is healthy (No cancer or serious issues that can't be helped with meds). I now see x-mas as a day to sit in front of the fire place and drink some coffee watching the flickering lights cast by the fire. Simple things are fine with me. My dad grew up with very little. I want to be tough like him. I'm going to stay strong. Money, items, gifts, I really don't care about any of it. Things will be tough I won't lie but they could be worse. I'm going to work hard on finding a job. Call up hiring managers, ask questions, visit the job guy for new tips and leads, apply for as many jobs as I can each week. Besides that I'm going to work on my novel. Push myself to stop being lazy and get the sucker done with. If I got published I could not only help push my life forward (And my dream would come true) but I could help out a lot more at home while I still live here. There is a lot to be done. It's going to be a long and cold winter but hey, I don't like when it's too hot and at least the evil stove wont be turned on downstairs. I can manage. I'm going to start by working on my novel during the evenings and working on job hunting during the day. Maybe I'll be lucky and find myself a job soon.

A fresh start

It's a new beginning for me. All the stress has washed away (For the most part) For the first time in a while I'm able to smile at nothing. I wont go into details to protect names and such but I finally spoke my mind on a matter that has long bothered me and during that conversation a friend from high school asked me if I was okay and her kindness made me realize I do have friends that care. While she helped me and we will be helping each other with our Sakura-con projects, we invited her to stay with us during the con. I'm really excited because she is a lot like me. Plus our interests are very similar. I'm finally excited about this. It's like someone had pushed open one window and let in some fresh air. I feel ready to take off down this path and keep my eyes on the prize. No more stress, no more drama. I feel great now.


After a fuss you think I would feel stressed, unable to focus but I feel the opposite. I'm ready to face more fears and prove to myself I can do what I what. Feeling refreshed I'm more motivated than ever to reach towards my dreams and complete my goals. First off, I'm going to focus on getting myself a part time or full time job. I'm pretty close, I just need to call about my apps. Hopefully by sticking my neck out there I can hook myself a interview. Once I have a job I can really have a lot of fun. That means my fiance and I can get married and start our lives as a family. Besides that I can focus more on cosplay and creating the pieces I have in mind and planned for our next con. Life will be so much better. And that stress will go away on it's own.


For now I am going to focus on writing. Getting my novel up to date, finishing the short synopsis for National Novel Writing Month and out lining the chapters in my sparkly new journal dedicated for this novel I'm working on. If you are having a hard time too, just try to surround yourself with what matters, what makes you smile. Whether it's a pet or a close friend. Keep your head up because things can get better! Don't back down.

The long awaited book reviews + The Romanovs

Since I lost my template these book reviews wont be as fancy and organized as I had hoped but fear not! That will not stop me from reviewing some news worthy novels! I have decided to do two to start with. One will be a young adult novel and a novel of choice.

Since I write young adult, there will always be at least one YA novel I review per month (Depends on how many I read and how many inspire me enough to review it.) Now when I say "review" I mean...

• A quick summary
• 3 likes and 3 dislikes
• My thoughts on the plot, characters, and novel cover
• Small paragraph about the author
• And much more....

The 3 dislikes will be hard and some times I might not be able to list 3. I am pretty strict on what I read (I don't like oh-la-la I'm a teen in love, he's an angel.) junk. I'm pretty picky. These, as above may change. The first two novels are....

• The Replacement- Brenna Yovanoff (Young Adult)

The Resurrection of the Romanovs: Anastasia, Anna Anderson, and the World's Greatest Royal Mystery- Greg King (Nonfiction-Russian royals-Romanovs) 

Wait what? A nonfiction book about a royal family long dead? Oh yes. You see I have a hidden passion. History. I can sit at my computer for hours (When not writing) researching royals. It's a hobby of mine. And my favorite family is the Romanovs. But wait?....Who are the Romanovs? Oh come you should know this....

The story about a orphaned Russian girl who goes into Saint Petersburg to find out who she is and where she came from. With only a pretty little necklace for a clue she finds herself and a cute stray dog in the abandoned palace. Years ago the royal family had been cursed and killed. The youngest daughter had escaped with her grandmama, only to fall off a train and bump her head. Leaving her with no memories that she is the Grand Duchess Anastasia. Inside the palace she finds two men. They are scam artist looking for a girl to pose as the Grand Duchess to travel to Paris in order to claim the money offered by the Empress in return for her granddaughter. But on their way they soon realize this girl is the real deal. They find a way for her to meet her grandmother and reunite the family. In the end she leaves the life she was born into and runs off with her love, the man who realized she was the true duchess. 

But that sweet dreamy, romantic story isn't the truth. When I was young I thought it was. When I found out the dark truth behind the deaths of this loving family I cried. The story didn't end then and there. I became interested in the royals as I started researching the lives of these people. 

This beautiful but haunting pictures is of the true Grand Duchess Anastasia. Born as the fourth daughter of Alexandra and Nicolas the second, she wasn't exactly what her parents wanted. With three other daughters they were hoping for a male heir. But instead they got this beautiful, spunky, sassy girl who has become a legend.  

Around the age of 13/14

As little girl

(Left to right. Romanov sisters)

Maria(Middle), Tatiana (Second eldest), Anastasia (Youngest), Olga (Oldest)

The family together.

Anastasia's last known picture.

Anastasia and her family were very close. Her father was known for saying he wanted to be a farmer. The children were not spoiled, they slept on hard camp beds, bathed in cold water, and volunteered their time to the needy and sick. These girls and their little brother were born into a life of wealth and royalty and because of that they were doomed for an early death. Their deaths were meaningless. But because they born into this life they were seen as a threat. As their golden life crashed around them they were whisked off as captives, taken from their beloved palace. 

The Alexander palace

Being taken away from their home didn't make them break down. Instead they enjoyed every minute of life. They changed their ways and adapted. They were fine as long as they could stay together as a family. But that didn't last long. Soon their father and mother and the middle daughter Maria were taken away. The Romanov children stayed with trusted allies, who had been working with the Romanovs since most of the children were young, they gladly followed them without pay. They were reunited at The House of Special Purpose. It would be where they spent their last days as a family at. The guards were cruel and rude, they loved to make fun of the Empress because of her German birth. Their things were taken into the shed for "safe keeping" They had to ask before getting something out. They later realized the guards were stealing things out of their luggage. 

Sewn inside the daughter's corsets were the famous Romanov jewels. These jewels later acted as bullet proof vests. Ont he night of   July 17 1918, just weeks away from Anastasia's birthday, the family was awoken in the night and taken downstairs, the guards had told them they were in danger and the basement would keep them safe until everything was over. But it had been a lie. So they got dressed, with her dog in her arms Anastasia walked with her family down into the basement. She would never return. 

  

One of the last pictures of the daughters taken. 

They never expected a thing. They waited hours, quietly hoping to return to bed. Then the doors opened and men entered. Guns in hand, they told them:

Nikolai Aleksandrovich, in view of the fact that your relatives are continuing their attack on Soviet Russia, the Ural Executive Committee has decided to execute you...

"What? What?" Was all he could say as the men started to shoot.

The room where they were killed.

Some died quickly. Others were not so lucky. The jewels sewn into the corsets stopped the bullets from hitting their chests. But they did not live. The ones who survived were stabbed over and over with bayonets until they were dead, laying in a pool of blood. The jewels were later found and torn from the garments. The family was later stripped, some burnt, and thrown down a mine. But after some of the guards bragged about the location they moved their bodies in the night to their final grave. 

In 2007 they finally found the last remaining bodies. One of a daughter (Either Maria or Anastasia) And that of the ill son, Alexi. Finally the family could rest together in peace. But the sad fact of the matter is the last two bodies have yet to be buried along side of their parents and siblings. Some doubt the DNA tests. Some want to believe that one or both of the missing children survived. 

The sad truth is they died that night with their family. 

I have learned a lot about the history of Russia and England through this family. My interests have grown into other royal branches such as the famous Marie Antoinette. It's a hobby of mine that never gets old. There is so much to look up. Portraits, jewelry, clothing and life styles. There is always something to be learned. I may post more about this family later on, there is no shortage of pictures to post of them, that's for sure. I suggest you look into it more yourself. Maybe you'll find yourself interested too.

Sites:

alexanderpalace.org

My name is Anastasia

Tsarskoe Selo

Nicholas and Alexandra

Jewels of the Romanovs

 

Update-10/15

This won't be a big post. Just a little update. There isn't much that has been done. I have about one or two more paragraphs until the first chapter is fully rewritten. It's been a lot harder than I thought to rewrite the novel. I guess I'm still upset about losing the file. Not a lot of people understand how irritating and disappointing it is to lose your hard work. So remember to save your novel. A LOT. I do it every time I update it now. I don't trust computers. Especially my Frankenstein-computer. That's all I can really write about otherwise this post would wind up being negative and all about stress. 

Ta-Ta for now.

Frustration

I'm finding it very hard to rewrite what was lost. I'm not being as positive as I had hoped I'd be about rewriting. Although don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up or anything. I suppose I'm just frustrated that the ending of chapter one is gone too. I can't remember how I had ended it nor had I saved it onto my Kindle. It sucks. I'm pushing through it, knowing I can't give up or quit. That isn't apart of my dream. Keeping myself inspired is a bit tricky since I can't really go anywhere to sit and relax and let go of all my stress and worries. I just applied for a job and I hope I can get it so all my stress can fly through the window. And maybe that's why it's hard to get into writing. I'm too stressed. Working on a side story for the fun of it helps as well as watching movies and openly talking about my novel and the ideas I have for it.

But all this stress is like a huge wall blocking my creativity. The only thing that can cure it is a job. For three years I've been looking for work. And still I haven't been able to even get called back or had a interview. It's frustrating watching as my friends on FB get called in for interviews and get job after job. I have gotten help through a GoodWill career center in the hopes of getting a job there but applying twice has gotten me no where and they guy knows how badly I need a job. I did just apply for a assistant pet groomer and I had forgotten to up-date my only phone number on the app so I have a good excuse to call the place next week and talk to the person in charge of hiring. I'm sort of glad I did make that mistake. Maybe it was fate. I sure would love that job.

Why stress? You get to sleep in. You get to play video games all day. You get to laze around in Pjs all day. You can do what you want when you want. Your parents aren't going to kick you out. So why would I be stressing?

Getting a job means...

• Marriage

~ The biggest reason for getting a job. I've been engaged to my high school sweetheart for three years now. I want to be his wife so badly it hurts. We both want to start our lives, start a family and get a King Charles puppy!

• Move out!

~ My parents will never kick me out. But that doesn't mean I want to stay living there. I'm engaged (See above) and am ready to start my life as an adult. Plus my parents are dealing with so much not having to pay for me would be so helpful and I really want them to be stress free too since it seems my older brother will not be moving out any time soon....(Seriously, come on you are twenty three(Or four) and have a high paying job. GET A LIFE. He doesn't even know how to do his laundry!!!!)

• Did I mention a puppy?

~ My fiance and I have already talked it over and he's decided for a wedding gift he's going to buy me my dream dog, a king Charles spaniel! We already found a wonderful breeder in WA that isn't far and has the values I'd want from a breeder. The only animal (Besides my hamster and fish) that I'd be bringing with me when I move out is my beloved cat Maggie. So having a puppy would be amazing!

• No more stress!

~ 'Nuff said.


I have a lot to work towards. And keeping my mind on these I feel much better. My future will be unknown but knowing these events are in it I feel at ease. My dream to become published will be up to me if it ever gets accomplished. And I will make it happen. I just have to focus on what makes me happy and not sad.


That's enough of that for today.

What's coming next on this blog?

• Post about National Anti-bulling month.
• Inspirational pictures
• Book review 

 

Writing with dyslexia- A quick rant

I had four days where I was unable to write the novel I am working on now and let me tell you my dyslexia has gotten out of control. I grew up with numerous learning disabilities, such as having issues with math, remembering numbers and doing math inside my head. When I was young I also had issues with writing, believe it or not. But I grew out of that. I didn't really have confirmed dyslexia until my senior year. It wasn't too surprising for me since both my parents show signs of having it as well.

Now dyslexia is not something is life threatening. With some practice it can be easily managed. It's not like depression or anxiety (Yup, got that too.) It can be frustrating and annoying and can't be treated with a pill or go away for ever. 

The fun thing is I started writing this as a rant to express my frustration with it since I hadn't written in a while but now I see what I'm writing and it's turning positive. I don't want people to think having something like dyslexia can ruin or prevent you from having a career as an author. After all haven't you heard that really smart people can have dyslexia? Think of it has a gift. This way we can work harder, push our selves farther than those who are given things or try the very minimum. 

So instead of ranting I'm going to post this and say...

Keeping pushing yourself. Maybe you have something that gets in your way but don't let that stop you or even slow you down. Keep your dream alive. You really are the only person (Besides the evil computers that randomly like to crash) to keep you from achieving your dream. Keep your head up. Have a folder of inspirational things (Quotes, pictures, ect.)  Keep your favorite books nearby. Do what you need to do in order to keep yourself going. I'm trying to do this too. It's one step at a time. Go at your own speed. 

Chapter two and the dying mouse

For those who don't know or didn't read my last few posts, I lost my updated novel file because my hard drive crashed. I do have the first chapter or most of it. So I am starting the work of finishing the end of the first chapter and start the second chapter again. I'm really going to try my hardest to make it much better than it had been before so in the end it was worth losing the work.

In other news my computer mouse is dying! Goodness....I hadn't had it that long. Two-three years. A computer mouse should last way longer than that. The left clicker is all out of whack. It sucks and makes writing tricky. I've been scanning the web for a new mouse and I just so happened to find one of my latest love...

                                                                   

Cute, huh? I've fallen in love with San-X. Which makes me wonder why did it take so long when I go to a lot of cons and see San-X stuff almost every time. But I adore the little bear and his friends and was so happy when I found out this....

Since it's fairly priced (28USD) the same price as the mouse I have I think I'll (Hopefully) get this one! I also got my hubby to say yes to someday buying the bedding set! Of course I told him I'd let him have Star wars sheets. (Yeah right!) XD

Hopefully my mouse stays strong few a little bit longer!

Update and out-lining.

Sad news today. All recovered files of my novel turned out to be corrupted so I have to rewrite the ending of chapter one as well as chapter two. But I'm trying to stay positive and turning my focus on to working towards making what has been lost even better than before.  For now I am saving my work every time I am finished for the day. No computer will ruin my writing again! XD

So right now I am out-lining the important events for each chapter. Since I feel so behind I needed a way to organize all my thoughts. It's really helping me remember what I had written in the lost chapter and what I wanted to write in the next.

I'm not doing anything over the top or fancy.

---------------

Chapter One- (Name)    ((I like to name my chapters))

Main events

Notes

--------------

Pretty simple right? I hate writing huge paragraphs for out-lining. I always get lost and write too many little details that I always wind up changing anyway. So keeping it short and simple helps me remember what I need to write (I always like to switch of the amount of main events) and this way I can out-line numerous chapters in just a few hours and can start writing the next day.

I'll be keeping more updates as I go on. I won't start rewriting until tomorrow so my mind is fresh. 

So empty...

My computer is depressing. It's so empty and dreary. But I'm slowly bringing it back to life. I have a new wallpaper so it has some personality to it again. I'm starting on finding some of my more important bookmarks and saving them. I think I will get a small notebook and write down sites for now on just in case this happens again. I really don't trust this computer right now.

Since I cannot write my novel right now (My fiance is trying to recover the missing part) so I am focusing on filling out a character profile so I can work on the fine details of my two main characters. I'm going to need a lot to do in order to keep me sane so I'm going to be...

• Working on Character profiles
• Out-lining.
• Bring one of my Fanfics back to life
• Finally write up my first book review (The template was lost.)
• Inspiration 

So expect a lot happening on this blog in the next few weeks.

The bad and the good.

My computer's hard drive had crashed. I lost EVERYTHING. I had saved my novels on my USB but all my new work on The Unnaturals has been lost. There is a slim chance I can get back all the work I've lost and my fiance is sure he can find it but I'm very doubtful I'll be able to get it back. While the loss of all my pictures and bookmarks is a very upsetting I am glad I have my finished novel saved and the novel I'm working on partly saved. At this way I don't have to start over from scratch.


On a more positive side I just got Scrivener which is a program for creative writers. It looked awesome, filled with templates and all sorts of stuff to help you stay organized. I have yet to use it since it was just installed onto my very bare computer but I will be sure to post a little review of it later on.

Hopefully I get back my full file of my novel and I can start writing again.

Up-coming event, name change

Are you ready for National Novel Writing Month?

Well if that answer is no, don't worry you still have one month left before NANOWRIMO. So take a deep breath and relax. You still have time for plotting, out lining and getting those novels ready to be written! Whether you are writing your first novel or sixth, this event is for everyone. They just updated the site for 2012 and it seems there will be some new updates and add ons. I'm excited to see just what they've added. This will be my third year entering NANOWRIMO. Although I am already working on a novel (The same one I'll be entering) I can't wait to meet new people and maybe (hopefully) make some new friends!

I'll be entering The Unnaturals since I am already working on it and I learned from last year working on two different projects doesn't work for me. Although if you are planning to do that, I say go for it. Make sure you give yourself a break so you can switch into the second project smoothly.


So make sure you have your coffee stock restocked, your mugs shined and washed and your playlists created. Once you start NANOWRIMO you'll be hooked. The people are friendly and supportive and the words just seem to flow when you use the helpful tracker. So give it a try and make sure you friend me.

My username is VictorianMess just like on here. I use that username on all sites I go on so if you see me, don't be afraid to add me!


I'm currently working on writing up my short synopsis for the event. But I'm also thinking of renaming the novel. Just to give it more of an edge.

The Unnaturals is what I call it now. But now I'm thinking of these options. If anyone thinks one is better than the other please tell me.

• The Unnaturals
• The Unnaturals: Calling all monsters
• Isadora's Rules

Misspelled words and what is to come.

Every author misspells words when writing. It's bound to happen. But what I am going to do in order to keep these word grounded in my mind, by sharing them all with you of course! Every week, once a week I'll gather a list of my misspelled words and write them down. Perhaps you'll do the same so you can remind yourself on which ones need to be remembered and spell correctly. Sort of like what they might have done with you while in grade or middle school.

(Please note I DO have dyslexia.)

I'll be posting just the word spelled correctly because of the noted issue above sometimes I type too fast and the word gets switched or because of the issues above. So I'll only list the correct form.

Oh goodness I have been busy. Not only with picking out a novel plot to write and be serious about learning how to improve my writing but I've been having health issues again. I have some pretty bad issues with getting bad migraines that don't go away with normal over the counter meds. I don't see my neurologist until Nov. and the meds he gave me to try did not work last night so I've been very sickly today trying to get over the affects of having a really bad migraine. It leaves you feeling very weak and shaky and almost to the point that you feel like puking so the last few days I've been busy trying to take care of my health.

But I'm feeling a bit better so I'm going to focus on this blog now. As promised I have book reviews in store, manga reviews (Will be posted on my cosplay blog, link will be proved when issued. Which will most likely be the same day as a book review.)

And a few other things, such as favorite authors, playlists, and such.


Time to go write!!

WD,writing homework!

Really cracking down on learning how to be my best at writing. Learning and improving is really important to me, especially since I can't go to school to learn more about new writing techniques. So since I've been having a lot of migraines lately I've been focusing on really digging into my writing novels/Writer's Digest magazine, ect. I have to say in the newest issue (October 2012) of Writer's Digest I'm really enjoying the "Ask An Agent Anything" section. I'm really learning a lot more about agents and my questions are being answered. I have a lot more respect for them after seeing how they answered. It makes me more excited to work with one in the future.

If you are just starting out I suggest doing research while writing your novel/ or after you've finished. It really helps calm your nerves and learn more about what you are getting yourself into. I often sit back and think about what it would be like to get "the call" from an agent. I know I'd be nervous, but excited. Most likely speechless. I hope that day will come in the near future.

To make that dream happen working hard is my only option. Improving, learning and fixing my past mistakes is what I am focusing on. In order to get published I must work for it. It's time to step it up and really focus hard on improving myself. I know it'll be hard and I'll have a lot of editing to do but maybe this is what I needed in order to get published.

Here is what I'm reading/going to read.

Bullies, Bastards & Bitches: How to write the bad guys of fiction. (Jessica Page Morrell)

Writing Tools: 50 Essential Strategies For Every Writer. (Roy Peter Clark)

Computer Blues

Having some issues with my computer. Although it seems to be working for now it may turn around and crash tomorrow. So I'm just playing it by ear and hoping it wont die on me. I'm almost to 10k with the novel and I'm ready to break away from what I had written in the old draft and start crafting this as a new piece. I'm hoping my computer issues don't get in my way while I work to finish this novel.

And the worst news of them all is....

Tomorrow is my last day with internet. We're having issues with the company who is supposed to do our internet and phone services. So I am unsure when I'll be able to update. I may get desperate and have to go somewhere I get some free wifi. Hopefully I'll have internet before November for NANOWRIMO so I can enter The Unnaturals and work on getting to the 50k mark or beyond. I'm really excited about the NANOWRIMO this year. It'll be my third year.

Bad news

Horrible news. I'm pretty sure my desktop is dying. It wont start up and when it does it freezes and crashes. My netbook is out of date and barely works. I cant replace either. If it dyes I'll have no way to write my novel. I'm so disappointed and heartbroken. I feel like nothing but bad stuff is happening.

Stress

The last few days have dragged on forever. Now I just feel sick to my stomach, confused and stressed. The lose our family dog has left me feeling like not doing anything. Luckily I've been finding writing easy. But planning for Halloween, a holiday I love, I just can't focus. My hubby wants to do Pandora Hearts. I found a dress for Sharon I want to do but after not being able to find the right fabric I've already given up. I suddenly don't care if I dress up to give candy out. I just want to stay at my house and write. I'm not depressed just stressed. Life isn't going anywhere. I feel stuck, shut in, trapped. I want it move along but everyone around me is fine where it is.

I just don't know.

This is a great book!

Since I am focusing on becoming more serious about becoming published and am making a site dedicated to my novels for agents and fans a like to view See it here I am also reading and trying to improve my writing skill as much as I can while I'm waiting to get a job. Never have I felt so dead set on reaching towards my dream. It's never felt so close.


I was bought a wonderful book today about strategies for writer's called Writer's Tools: 50 essential strategies for every writer. By Roy Peter Clark. This book which I picked up by random is really helpful! I'm only on chapter two but already I am learning new and fresh ways to use when I rewrite my novel, The Unnaturals. This book is easy to understand, gives good examples and is very useful to anyone who's trying to push their career along and learn, learn, learn. I'll put up a link to the book tomorrow for it's late, I'm tired and really wanting to dig into this book more.

I suggest taking notes when reading it.  I normally don't and lose all that info later on when I'm stuck and having a case of writer's block. I think taking notes will help in the long run, especially when there are 50 strategies. In less your great at remembering or want to whip the book out every five minutes, just take notes. It helps make you remember anyway.

Inspired to become more serious

Looking over authors websites and reading over and over again that writer's seeking to become published should create their own site, I am going to make a blog which will be solely about my novels and what my future project are for agents and whomever to look at. I'm hoping this will bring me more fans and loyal friends in case I do decided to self-publish. I'm hoping it will give me something to do and will keep my mind at bay for a while since I want it to look as professional as I can make it. I also need to write up some good intros without giving too much away. I'll also be listing my playlist on there from which songs inspire me the most while writing that certain novel. Those songs that will be listed are normally the ones I keep listening to over and over again. As I create this blog/site I'll also be either writing the novel I am now, The Glass Butterfly or start on rewriting my other novel, The Unnaturals. I might try to finish the TGB before November so I can work on the Unnaturals for the National Writing Month contest. Which I tried to do before but decided to work on rewriting Promise Me instead.


This will include...

•  Bio about me (How I started writing/Why I started)
• Goals
• Word/page count update
• Info about up-coming projects
• Info about finished novels (Promise Me)
• Playlists
• Inspiration/top read of the month

It'll be a lot more clean and a lot more organized than this blog which has become my blog to rant and talk about other things besides writing. As some who have read my other posts you know I am engaged. The site for my novels will have my maiden name. For I'll be keeping that as my "author name" when I get published.

Why?

I want everyone who has said I'm worthless, who has bullied me, who has put me down, or glanced over my work, to see what I can do. No my novels are not about getting back at those people. I just want them to see my name and go "Oh. I used to know her. She sure has come a long way." Ect. If I was seeking revenge or fame I'd be an actress or something. So don't get me wrong I have my reasons. Anyway, This blog will hopefully be up soon. But because I have decided to do this I have to stop working on my template for book reviews. ;_;

I will try my hardest to finish it up soon so I can start on some reviews. I'm going to Powells (The city of books in downtown Portland) sometime this month so I'll make sure to get some good, lesser known YA novels to review later on.

Things take a turn for the worse

Just as I was gettin inspired enough to start writing something goes wrong. Our oldest dog Tasha who we got when we first moved into the house we live in now, is in so much pain she can't walk. There isn't we can do but put her out of her pain and put her down. We got first got Tasha right after we moved. My parents surprised us with her. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was such a nice surprise. We had bought the house because it had a huge backyard, big enough for a Akita. Our last Akita/German shepherd mix had died suddenly we waited a long time to get Tasha and she was a great dog.

The part that hurts most is she wont be making it to her birthday on the 22nd. Her tenth birthday. We all loved her so much. My brother was bonded with her to the point she slept on his bed even through she's huge. It's makes me so sad that once her health started to fail (We're sure she has cancer because of the bumps all over her body.) he started to pull away from her. He doesn't know yet about her being put down tomorrow. I think that breaks my heart more because I remember how I felt when I lost my cat Homer. It's a horrible feeling that never goes away. I still mourn for my cat every time I see his picture. He was my best friend and died during a very hard time in my life.

Our other dog Carmen is going to be so heartbroken. I just don't know how to feel right now. Numbness has over taken me. I'm going to miss our big beast so much. My best memory is of her playing "soccer" with me when she was young. And when she would lie on the couch next to me. How she knows what "Inside voice" means and how she always demanded to get a little taste of what was for diner.

The next few weeks will be hard.

Never been so confused

I'm back from the con. I have been for a few days but after a con you feel so down you don't really want to do anything. Plus a spider must have bit me because both my legs and feet are swollen. It really sucks. The con was great though. I had a awesome time with my friends. It really was the best con we've gone to so far.


Anyway.

Like the title of this post says I'm confused. I have three novel ideas I want to write all at the same time. Of course I already know that isn't possible for me right now. Plus I don't think I could focus on three different plots with numerous different characters at the same time. So I have no choice but to pick one novel and stick with it.

This is the second time I've tried to re-write the novel I'm working on. But something about it just isn't sticking with me. I feel bored and can't write it how I see it in my mind. This piece might be too big for me right now.

But I'm not really sure which novel idea to write. I know it's not good to think about which will sell better but with no job and lots to do I can't help but to think about which would sell better. Which idea is more unheard of. I just don't know. If anyone reads this post, please tell me which you'd read. I'm not going to go into the details about the plot. All are YA (Young Adult) novels


1.SteamPunk VS High Fantasy (A story where nature is taken over by steampunk. High fantasy elements as well as Victorian themes. Royal families, lies, mystery and a war between human and beast)

2. Urban Fantasy ( supernatural VS humans. The Grim Reaper is involved.)

3. Urban Fantasy (Fairies. Myths. Twists and turns, lies and betrayals.)

20k

Finally hit the 20k mark in the novel I'm writing. I wanted to be at least at25k by the con so I'm somewhat on track. But I think I'm going to aim more towards 30k so I am back on track. No more "I'm not going to write" days. Otherwise I wont be done by the time I want. I want to start pumping out query letters by the start of next year. That gives me a few months to finish the novel and then start editing and start the query and synopsis. There is still a lot to do. I have the plot worked out and outlined (not down on paper....) I even have an idea for a second novel if I decide to make it a series.  Although I do have two novels (A high fantasy/steampunk bash of awesomeness and a urban fantasy with the grim reaper himself) planned before I start on that one. This novel takes a lot out of me. I want it to the way I see it in my mind so I'm being careful and slowly spinning it into what I had first seen when I saw this world in my dreams.


But it means I'll most likely be bringing my work with me during the con. Got to remember to see what's going on with my netbook. :/

Happy Birthday

You should be here

Somewhere near

Today should have been

But isn't

I see it in mind

All planned out

A party just for you

Laughing loudly

I forgot again

It should have been honored

Keeping you alive

Happy birthday.

I know your name.

And I'll never forgot it.

A sea of dead grass and gray flowers

A feeling of dread and loneliness blooms

The trees guard it in silence

With one road that curves around in a cirle

It leads some into it's shadows

Where they realize

Life is precious 

And time has stopped here

Somewhere along those stones

You lay in piece

Hidden by the earth 

You are kept within a locket

With Alice smilling outside of it

Guarding you from stray eyes

Inside lies your past

Who you were

Who you could have been

When you left us

I seek you out

Like the rarest of all gems

Shining somewhere

Awaiting to be seen

You were here

At one point

And were loved

So very loved

In my thoughts you live

Fresh and happy

And someday

We will meet.

It's unreal

It's a nightmare

It's reality

Happy birthday to you
I wish you were here
So you could be showered with love
For you were born into this world
And were taken back so suddenly
But will always be remembered

Happy Birthday Heather.

 

 

Book Reviews

I'm going to go ahead and bring back book reviews since I don't have much to write about on this blog right now. Since I'm writing a novel right now and I really don't feel comfortable sharing about my work in less it was going to be published and had a copyright on it. So mean while I'll start doing two new things for this blog.

Detailed book reviews 

I'm creating a template for this now, so it'll be organized with what you need and what to know before reading the book. There will be two version, one that explains the whole book, plus the ending and one that has no spoilers. This could take a while as I'm getting ready for a con. But It'll be done soon. I may also do little reviews about manga too. Most of the reviews will be about YA (Young Adult) novels. Mainly what is on my shelf. I will however do some fiction novels as well.


Inspiration

Whatever I find on the web that inspires me for what I'm writing. I'll mainly being using pictures from search engines or on a share site. No artwork will be shown without the artist permission or in less I have bought a copy myself (Which I buy at least one piece of art from every con I go to.) If I wind up some how using something that belongs to you, please tell me and I will either give you credit or take the piece down if that is what you seek.

This won't happen right away since I'm leaving for a con on the 31st and I have a lot to do in order to get ready for that. So it will take some time.

A thanks for you

My goodness. So many views lately. I'm not sure what I did but I thank everyone who's read one of my posts. Means a lot even if you are silent. I'm just glad that someone is lurking around and I'm not writing to myself. So thank you one and all who reads my posts. It's nice seeing the numbers jump.

Writing is going good for me. I'm getting back into the swing of things and becoming lost in the world I'm creating once more. Working on a novel is a serious commitment and it takes a long time to finish. Even when it's done, polished and maybe one of your best works you can still go through a lot of rejection. Blogging about my writing experience is a lot of fun and good way to release that stress that builds over time. I am thinking of the possibility of self-publishing my other novel, Promise Me but not until I work up a fan-base and get a paying job. So I hope one of you steps forwards and starts commenting. I'd love to hear your thoughts, how your novel is going.


My novel is at 18,112 words right now and 61 pages. I'm working my little behind off. Between working out and getting ready for the con I'm pretty busy but writing comes first and as I keep going forward, reaching my goal I'm really feeling okay about this novel. It may not be a best seller but I have high hopes it might get picked up and published. At least I hope so...


So once again and I cannot stress this enough. THANK YOU. For reading my blogs.

Updated book goal

Two blog posts in one night? CRAZZZZY. Yeah. Deal with it. I'm in a writing sort of mood. Any who...


I just reached my goal of 15k. Now I want to push myself since all my cosplay props are down and ready for the con at the start of September, I want to reach 25k by the end of the month before I have to leave for the con. I plan for this novel to be around 70,000 words. But knowing me it'll turn out 100,000 just like I did with my last novel. I want to be done by October. That's only two months to work on it. But I can do it. If I put my mind to it. I've started out slow and now am getting more into this story. I've put myself in the character's shoes and am walking fast. I hope this will be published. So I can start my career and publish my other novel. As well as the ones I plan on writing. For November I plan on starting my high fantasy novel for National Writing Month.


I named this novel The Glass Butterfly. Although I may still change it.

August

August is always such a sad month for me. Although I have many things to look forward to, I can't help but to think about what happened this month all those years ago. How it haunts me today. I remember that day back when I was only thirteen and starting to grow up. It had been September I believe. We had just moved. It was cloudy outside and cold. My brother and I had been just dropped off at the house by our beloved grandpa who had picked us up from school.

Who would have know those ten minutes of being home would have changed my life forever. As I write this I am close to tears. Its weird mourning someone you've never met. But I have been since I first found out about her. Although it didn't really hit me until I grew up. Until that harsh numbness that coated me, wore off. It was then that I realized my sister was real and not some fictional character in one of my mom's movies.

This Augusta marks her twenty-fourth birthday. It's like a song that repeats in the back of your mind, never going away and when it stops it comes back just minutes later, leaving you no peace. I supposed its something like that. It's hard to believe it's real. But the void is obvious in this household. The way my dad says her name, it breaks my heart. A while back I had been pet sitting my grandma's doggie and stayed at her house while doing so. I took down the only proof of my sister's evidence. A little red photo book. Inside was the most beautiful poem about her written by my grandma. It not only made me realize my writing skill most likely came from her but that this little person and I looked so much alike.

But that she was real.

And very loved.

And all those bad feelings I had towards my parents for keeping her a secret melted off. And I was finally able to mourn. They believe that once you are dead you are gone. That there isn't a point in visiting the grave. I am not like them. I've been searching for that grave for a few years now. And it pains me  knowing I have to go back. I have to find her.

I'll never be able to meet her in this life time. But visiting that grave, see the proof. Letting myself see she's really gone, not switched, not lost. But gone. Will help me more than anything. Losing someone is hard. By the time I was in high school I had lost three beloved family members. I had to grow up very quickly.

She is always on my mind. I try to picture her, what she would look like now, but it's hard. At times when I alone I sit pretending she's next to me, smiling. When I can't smile I picture her smiling and somehow it helps. I hope we'll be able to be sisters again in another life time. So I can finally get to know what it's like.

I remember in high school, two sisters were fighting. I said very loudly "Why do sisters have to fight? Don't they know how lucky they are to have each other?" I stay true to those words. I refuse to fight with my brother, although I do tattle on him. Because what little sister doesn't? We have never been close. Never shared a conversation. Never said "Thank you." But he's the same as I. We both stare out the windows in wonder. Picturing what it would be like if she were here too.

It's a empty void that visits every August. But never really goes away. I used to say I'm living for her. But now that my life has stabilized, I realized that was just to ease myself into life. Now I'm living for myself but it doesn't mean I've forgotten her or ever will really. Even if I didn't know her. I know her. She'll always be here.

August is a very hard month for us. We lost someone very important. Someone who should have lived a full life. This year I might be lucky and stumble upon that little grave. I'll drop a single pink rose and whisper hello.

I'm your sister.

And I love you very much.