Monday, December 31, 2012

New year's resolutions

Unlike some I don't care about making my appearance better, such as saying my new year resolution is about growing my hair out, lose weight, buy this or that. No, I am not one of those. I've been thinking long and hard about what I should work on not only to improve myself but my life and my family's life. There has been a lot of bad things happening this year, and I don't mean world events, although there are so many terrible things that have happened. I really want to push myself, to learn more and improve my skills.

So I thought...

"What is most important?"

So my 2013 resolution is....

To focus harder on writing.

  • To improve my skills
  • Finish The Invisible Prince
  • Learn new writing techniques
  • Write a synopsis and query letter
  • Get published? (That'd be my dream but not everything happens right away.)


I do have some smaller resolutions such as

  • Eat healthier 
  • Help more around the house
  • Get a nonseasonal job (With good management) 
  • Get married (Only will happen if I archive the one above)
  • Move out
  • Learn how to use a sewing machine 

So what are some of yours? Are they wishes? Dreams? Or maybe something just to better yourself. Whatever it may be I hope you find a way next year to finish your goals. It's important to never give up even if things get bad. 

Now I'm going to go watch the snow since it rarely snows where I'm at and I rather enjoy watching my animals reactions to it. Ta-ta for now.

Happy new years!!!!!

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Its one of THOSE days

I feel like crawling back into bed and staying there until tomorrow comes. I just feel run down, mentally and physically. Its hard to even sit down and focus solely on writing, even writing this is hard. I already feel like closing out of it and popping Guild Wars up just to get my mind off of everything. I don't want to get into details but I'm having a really hard time right now because of work. There is stuff happening, I'm being screwed majorly and the worst part of it all is the fact I really came to love doing that job. Helping people, answering questions, showing them where things where, cleaning up misplaced items and putting them away. I really liked it. Heck I could have done that for a long time. Many people are telling me what I should be doing. And although I know they are trying to help it just makes me uneasy and pissed that when I need help those people aren't willing to help.

I hate being so down in the dumps on here. I don't want this blog to be about my rants and crud but I just needed to vent. I really don't have any one else besides my fiance to talk to anymore. He's working and I can't bother him with this melodrama every five minutes. So I'm using this blog in place of a friend. It's properly a better listener anyway.

There is so much I want to do with my life but because of all this crap happening it seems it's been frozen. I can't get married if I don't get hours to work, I can't get published or even finish my novel until all this stress goes away so my damn mind can think straight.

Anyway....I think I'm done venting. I really am unsure what else to say. I'm just going to go play Guild Wars and ignore the world.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Inspired and ready

I was scanning the web last night before I went to bed, looking for news on Holly Black's new novels. I clicked onto her JOURNAL posts and saw how well she kept track of her novel writing process. I read she writes about 1000 per day. She's my favorite author and this made me realize just how human she is. Just how busy life can get and how we can easily push our novels aside for a day. So it really made me inspired to do my best.

Luckily today we're going to the BIGGEST BOOK STORE IN OREGON! So I'm going to pick up a few books to help me push  myself farther along towards my goal. I'm really excited to get The Invisible Prince done so I can work on Crisis Mode Major, which I have decided will be my fourth novel to finish. It will be a lot more serious than my normal novels and will go over some serious issues that teens deal with a lot these days.

I may end up working on it on the weekends, maybe only an hour a day. I have a great vibe for CMM but I don't want to rush it or wind up falling out of love with TIP. So I'm going to take things slow. Although I wont lie I've been thinking about having CMM becoming a online novel. But maybe I wont do that after all....

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Being broke

The best thing about being broke is that you learn that gifts aren't everything during the holidays. That family, their stories and hearing their laughs is all that matters. You really learn how to enjoy the small things that normally we take for granted, such as a warm meal, small talk and just sitting around a fire. I'm enjoying this. We may go through hard times but I'm hearing a lot of funny stories and really bonding with my parents and I wouldn't change a thing. Being broke, living off of the bare minimum is hard and isn't fun but it's really brought my family closer. Maybe it will even bring me and brother closer. I'd really like that. This year (I celebrate Yule by the way) I'm focus solely on my family. Ignoring the drama, shredding off the worries is just what I needed.

But the holidays also always remind me of those who should be with us, like my grandpa and sister. I wish they could be there, just for one night. I know in spirit they are always around but its time like these that I can't help but to wonder what it would be like. I suppose I'll always be like that. I had to grow up fairly quickly as a child and but I never felt like an adult until now.

So may your holidays (whichever you celebrate!) be good and fulfilling. I hope you and your loved ones are healthy and well and that you and their new years will be full of good blessings and good luck. May you enjoy them to the fullest. I hope you have a good holiday season and a new year. Many good blessing and kind thoughts.

Happy holidays from me!


Thursday, December 20, 2012

Not going to back down

When things become tough for me, my first thought is normally "Why me?" Or "Why is this happening right when things are going so well?" Yes, things are tough right now but I know that there are people in this world who are going through much tougher situations. Inside I want to scream and bitch, but I'm not going to. I've been through way worse and in the end as long as I have my loving, trustworthy fiance and my family and beloved pets I'm pretty sure everything will be okay. It hurts me a lot right now about whats going on. I don't want to complain or be negative that's not who I am anymore. Instead I'm going to look on the bright side. Things happen for a reason and maybe this wasn't the job for me. I have learned a lot from it. I can use what I've learned and find a better job. Hopefully that will be before April so we can still get married.

When I become distraught like this its hard to focus. It doesn't help nothing is going to plan. I can't surprise my parents with holiday gifts, nor my fiance. I may not be happy and I might become down in the dumps but at least I know better to put myself down like I used to. I've grown this last few years. Learning, asking questions, becoming braver, I have to push forward not backwards.

Bad moods always make me rethink my writing projects. I look back at other ones I've half written and think "This one was the one..." But I don't want to stop half way again. So I'm going to push with all my might to get this novel down. Plus, writing can be a great distraction, you know? It's calming to get lost in your own words as paragraph by paragraph become a story, as you put yourself in your character's shoes, see life through another set of eyes. It's enjoyable.

I don't think I'll write tonight though. Instead I think I'll do some research, maybe find something to inspire me. Oh! In fact my fiance bought a awesome video game for me. It's called Guide Wars 2, have any of you played it? It's so amazing. Everything from the creatures from the scenery, I can't get enough of it. It's great at taking away my worries too.

For now I am going to try harder. To push myself to my limit. Learn all I can and never give up. And you should do the same. Why not start the new year with a fresh start? This will be my promise to myself. I will finish this novel. I will find a good firm job. I will get married. And if all fails. At least I've learned some very important life choices.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Inspiration, a new project idea.

I get inspired from my hobbies, nature, fairytales, folklore and many other things. I told my fiance the other day I want to try something new once I'm done with the novel I'm working on now. I want to make it full of emotion and passion. A driving force and inspiration for teens who are going through hard times. Like me, many teens are bullied and some face the cold hard fact they want to fade away, get rid of the pain. I don't want to write just any old teen drama.

Reading a mangwa (Korean manga) I was inspired by the two characters. I'll post the link below for you to check out even if you don't like manga, its really good. The plot and characters all have a meaning. It's very emotional and powerful. I believe now what I want to write about and maybe I'll start it once I'm done with The Invisible Prince. I've been through a lot in my life but this mangwa reminds me that there are others who have suffered by far worse. I really want to play with the characters, push them to their limits.

Although I will not give too much away right now, for my projects are always better kept secret until I'm writing them, so I don't wind up getting bored with the novel I'm working on now, I'll only tell you, my dear readers this.

There are two main characters. One comes from a happy home, but wants to die. The other isn't so lucky and is from a broken home and wants to live.

Maybe I may not ever even bother getting this novel published, maybe I'll be brave enough to try. But I do know I'm going to dig into my past a lot, because those raw emotions will really bring together the idea I have. It's only in the first phase of planning right now, like a little seed about to be planted. There is a lot more to do with the idea. It'll be serious, unlike my fantasy/supernatural novels I normally am fond of writing.

Anyway....Sorry for the ramble of random thoughts. The idea hit me so quickly I became excited over it.

So Ta-Ta for now.

Sunday, December 9, 2012


It's been a weird day. I woke up and realized my hammie, Kuma had been strangely quiet even though I left her water bottle in her cage (She has a habit of climbing it at night.) I opened her cage and found her curled up. She almost seemed as if she were asleep maybe in hibernation, it had been cold in my room but when I touched her side I realized she was gone. I'm a animal lover. The type of person who grieves no matter how big the animal is. It was a bit of a shock. I didn't have her very long. After thinking it over later on int he day I remember the other pet I had gotten from this pet store chain. That it too had issues. So I'm never buying from them again. They must sell sick or old animals. Because when I bought my two gerbils from Petsmart they lived a long time, way longer than normal gerbils live. So if you are looking for a small pet, please buy from them. They make sure their pets are healthy. I'll never be buying from the other pet store again. But at least the little girl went peacefully. She must have fallen asleep and died dreaming. That's the best way to go. I loved her little self.

I'm overwhelmed. With having a full work week and now this, I just feel so overwhelmed. I feel like I have no time to write, no time to be with my fiance. It's very stressful getting used to working. Everything that is bothering me just sort of bubbled up and I lost control and broke down. I'll be fine. Time will heal everything. It's very hard but I've gone through worse. It helps I have something to keep my mind off of everything although I do wish my work hours would be three days and not a full time work week of five days. I suppose this will only push me more to get my novel done so I can (hopefully) get published so I can stop working a part time job and focus solely on what I love most.

For now I am going to go rest, get my mind off of everything and focus on sewing or writing. It's been a long day and I wish it could have gone differently but nature is uncontrollable. Death is natural no matter how bad it hurts. This just hasn't been a good year. But maybe that means next year will be a good one! I can hope...

Monday, December 3, 2012

Today was good.

In my last post I mentioned how nervous I was about the lack of training. Today was different. I was trained by a very nice guy who explained a lot and showed me the ropes. I did something today I never pictured myself doing....


I have some issues with math and numbers so counting change is really hard for me, especially on the spot. But the lady training me was kind and helped me every time I had issues. When I was done with the check out they all cheered me on, telling me how well I did and that once I get the hang of it I'll do good. It was so heart warming. All the coworkers I've met have been wonderful. Especially today. Every time I've needed help they've jumped on the spot and helped. It really made me feel at home and less nervous. It was only my second day but I felt really comfortable and learned a lot. That's the best part of this job, learning. I enjoy meeting new people too but I'm really enjoying learning new things from this job. I'm very happy with it now.

Although writing and getting published is still my main focus I'm really happy I was given this job. I'm sure with a little more training I'll be able to do everything on my own with confidence. Hopefully tomorrow goes just as well. It's my last day working this week. I can't wait to learn more!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

What a day

So tired. Working was interesting. Boy was it busy! I guess coupons really do bring in a big crowd. It was interesting seeing how the store works from behind the scenes. I think once I'm fully trained and have all my stuff ready I'll feel very comfortable doing my job. I think I really like the recovery, which is collecting items that have been misplaced or have fallen/broken. It has a lot to do with being organized which I'm fond of. I like putting things away, making things neat. Everyone was very nice. But working 1-6 I could see other people who have worked the same time getting tired too. I don't blame them I was ready to go home by 5:30. Tomorrow will be much better since I don't have work until six. Hopefully everything is squared away tomorrow so I can be ready to be trained.

All of this really makes me want to work hard on my novel and getting it published so I can be a stay at home wife. I don't think working retail for the long run will work with all my anxiety issues. But I am enjoying the experience because I am learning new things and it gets me out of the house. It has made me realize I really do want to become a published writer now. That is my true goal in life and now more than ever I must work hard to archive my goal. 

First day of work

I'm jittery, thank you anxiety. I don't have a lot of info of where to go or who is training me really and all those unanswered questions makes me on edge. I'm sure it'll be fine. I've been in the store hundreds of times. It's like the first day of school all over again. I'm sitting at my computer, trying to eat although now I'm not really hungry. I'm a bit calmer but still worrying. Thinking things over, trying to stay calm is tough but I wanted to write this blog to share my feelings and worries so I can later laugh at how scared I was to work at one of my favorite stores.

I don't leave until 12:00 p.m so I can arrive a bit early to ask my questions and get set up. I work a long shift today from 1-6 p.m. That makes me really nervous but I think it's because I'm going to be training this week. Tomorrow's shift I like 10-3.30. That'll be a lot easier for me to deal with. The next day and my last day of work this week will be a tough one too, 1-6.30 p.m. But I can handle it. Its like high school, I stayed long hours and over time got used to it. The days would just speed by. I know it'll get easier as time goes by but right now I'm allowing myself to release some of the worry so I can be calm when I walk into the store and ask the cashier where I am supposed to go.

Sure, I would stay home. Stay home and write all day, play Harvest Moon or sit and stare and my computer all day because that's what I've been doing for the last three years. I'm a person of habit. But that has to change. I'm lucky to have this job. I've been searching for such a long time and it was amazing I got such a special job at one of my favorite stores. The positives are much higher than the negatives. Because of this job I can get married, get my driver's licences, move out, become an adult. It's nerve racking really but over time as I get used to this change I think I'll wind up loving the time out of my house and at work.

But right now I'm going to go get ready, do my make-up, fix up my hair a bit, relax and spend time with my pets before I go. If you are like me and are getting ready for work and are nervous as hell, just take a deep breath and keep in mind all the things that are good and will happen because of your new job. These days we are lucky if we get a job at all. So honor the one you have and breathe. Calm down and breathe. It's the best way to focus on what is ahead of you. Like my dad said, it's an adventure.