Monday, March 19, 2012

Always second

Why do I bother putting so much trust into people I barely know? Most likely it's because I want them to be my friend so badly I willing to allow a little bit of trust. But this is just too much. To the point I feel like not talking to the people as often as I did.

If you make plans with people, then stick to those plans. It's rude making plans getting the other person so excited then making other plans with other people. I just don't understand. Maybe people are put off by the fact I cling to my hubby. That's just too damn bad. He's my rock otherwise I would be someone they wouldn't and couldn't stand.

I want to open myself up. Be the person I was. But I'm seeing that even through I did open up and I did try hard to talk and start conversation, that people just plan out don't like me enough to stick with our plans. I feel used.

But what's new with that? I always come in second. I just...was hoping for something different. Now I just feel numb. It wasn't like these people were my new best friends or anything. I still didn't know them that well and I suppose I may be freaking out over nothing. It's just every time I try to make friends, this always happens. I just don't understand. I feel like I'm cursed.

So maybe it's time to focus only on myself. Something I haven't done in forever. I mean my damn birthday is coming up and now I feel like shit. I don't think my mood can be lifted either. I'm just so confused. I'm about to give up. Con buddies stay con buddies I guess. It's really too bad too. Nice people. I'm good at faking smiles.

I don't know why but I'm always so down during the last few weeks of March. I have a feeling this gloom and doom won't go away any time soon either. Perhaps it's here to stay again. I'll embrace it and use it for my nonfiction novel. That's the only thing I can do with it.

The lesson is...

Well...I don't know yet. Use your powers for good. Something like that. XD


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