Tuesday, May 7, 2013


I'm going to stop playing around.

I'm going to remind myself of my dream.

I'm going to put my dream first.

I'm going to shut off all distractions, I mean you youtube.

I'm going to sit and put on music.

I'm going to become lost in my own world.

I'm going to write.

I have a lot going on. Trying to find a job, sew costumes, paint props, work out. Everything, including myself have gotten in the way of my dream. So I'm going to use this post to remind myself of the reasons behind my dream of getting published and someday being a published author. Many authors my age don't get published, they stuff their books in a folder on their computer and call it good. They don't take the time to learn about the market, they write for fun. Which I have no problem  Writing is fun and if that's your cup of tea, go for it. But I want something more. I want to aim higher. I'm going to be 100% real in this post, no hiding serious emotions.

When I first started writing I was a freshmen, only fifteen. The year before I was sitting in a very bad spot in life. I had been bullied seventh and eighth grade of middle school. That school I had been a new student. No one bothered to get to know me. It was a mess and I wont get into too much details otherwise this post would be too long. I'm not yet ready to share that part of my life. I might never be.

By the time I was fourteen I was planing my own death. I wanted nothing more than it. My depression and self-mutilation was so bad it was my only escape. I had no friends. No support. My parents turned a blind eye to my depression. It was when my grandpa died that I realized I wanted something more. I wanted to make him proud. It wasn't my time to go yet.

Luckily for me I got into a great and small high school. It was the best choice I had ever made in my life and return those teachers, that experience, saved my life. No one judged you. All the students were welcoming. And the first day of school there I came face to face with the man I would soon be engaged to.

But within all that craziness. I found writing. It never had been my dream to become an author. I wanted to be dancer, a singer, a zoologist, ect. Never an author. I loved to read don't get me wrong. My head was always in a book. I always marked higher than my grade level in reading. But writing had been hard for me when I was younger. I have many learning disabilities and when I was young writing was hard for me. I had a lot of help but it was really my sixth grade teacher who started the passion of writing. She was the first teacher to teach me how to write a story.

What ever I wanted to write. Just write it. I still have that very first story of mine. Oh how badly it was written. But it marked the first step towards a very long road. My high school teachers were even better when it came to writing and soon my passion would become lit. I couldn't stop. My first novel started out as a story. Nothing more than hasty written words in a old, beaten notebook. That notebook I still have too. It also shows how far I've come. Maybe I'll share it one day with my own readers. To show that if you put your mind towards something big, only you can make yourself better.

Promise me was my first novel. I rewrote it three times and now it sits ready for another smaller rewrite as over time I've reworked the plot. It is still my goal to get it published but not now. Not until all this Twilight crap blows over (Sorry I only like good books with heart and plot. Not "sparkle sparkle, I want to fuck a vampire" nonsense.)

Right now I'm working on my first fantasy novel. And I'm finding myself lost. Not that I don't have a plot or characters, no it's me that is slowing myself down. I've forgotten the reason I wanted to become an author. So here are those reasons.

~ I don't want to be like my parents.

I love them don't get me wrong. They are both strong and amazing people but they both didn't go to college and worked normal jobs, making very little money and having periods of barely having anything in the fridge. We lived a very good life as children. I want to be comfortable. I want work a job that I truly love and not do it because I have to. I want a career. I want to be something more.

~To show those who ever said I can't, that I can.

I've had a lot of people have told me I'm useless, I can't do anything, I'm nothing. I want to show all those (This is really my only selfish reason. Lol) that bullied me, forgot me, pushed me or abandoned me, that I am something. I made myself into something they might never be.

~To inspire others

This is my biggest goal. I want to create a space, a world for others who are going through the same thing I had as their age a world safe and magical for them to disappear into. I want to go to signing, have fun, inspire others with my story, show them they can be anything if they put their mind into it. I've been to a few readings/signings and I always feel so amazing watching those authors. They are always so inspiring, so honored to be there, watching their smiling fans. I want to to that too. It's my dream.

My reasons are mine and mine alone. I am going to fight for them. Prove to myself and to others I am something. That I have done a lot, not just sitting at my desk staring at a screen. That writing novels is what I am meant to do with myself. I just have to remind myself why it's important to me. So I can keep going forward, learning and improving myself the best I can.

I may not have school to guide me

Or friends that believe in me.

But I do have a small group of people who are still interested enough to ask me what I'm doing. How my novel is coming,w hat I plan to do next. I hope I can prove them right and show them I can get published. I'll take day by day and try my best. It's only a matter of time. Every minute counts.

So for now I am going to go write. Maybe I inspired you to pick up your long forgotten dream, dust it off and try again. No one can tell you to stop, to give up. You are the only one in control over your dream. So make it happen. Don't be lazy. Don't be like everyone else. Do something for yourself. Make yourself a life to be proud of. Just do it. Go forward, improve, aim high. You can do it.


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