So very stressful

I don't want to get all emotional or go on and on. Not a lot of people would understand or even care anyway. So I'll keep this short. It's been very stressful these last few months. My writing has taken a beating. I can't sit down and write without over thinking. I keep flip flopping from novel to novel. I'm so tired of it. I want nothing more to be one of those amazing people who can reach out and grab their dream by the reins. I don't want to be one of those people who let everything gather up on top of their dream and become a normal person who works for the very minimum and is always stressed. My parents are like that. I may not be able to do a lot of things like go to collage but I can chose which path I take in life. And I don't want to end up working my whole life at a fast food place.

I want to see my name on bookshelves. I want to be able to prove to myself and those who thought and have said I was useless. It's so hard trying to find work. All these places, like my mom's work hire people who don't respect their jobs and screw up, getting fired while people like me, who want nothing more to work hard  and who enjoy working can't find jobs. It's annoying. It's frustrating  It's making me want to tear my hair out.

My anxiety gets the better of me. I get scared, frozen solid about even thinking about having to call the hiring manger just to ask about the open position. It bothers me that there are all these walls still standing in my way. And here I am, when I told myself, go write why not you'll be up till two anyway and I wind up not writing.

I'm going to go over the two novels, maybe three novels I'm battling over to figure out what's most likely going to be finished VS what should be held off and re-plotted. It's all I can really do at this point. Anyway this is too long as it is so I'm going to get off now and start going through those files. Maybe my mind will finally chose one to settle on.

Wish me luck my dear ghost readers.